When the NFL released its 2008 schedule on April 15, I immediately had two thoughts and it just happened that neither of them were Chad Johnson related (Which is rare, because I have two thoughts about Chad Johnson almost three times a day). First, how in the name of Paul Tagliabue did Cleveland get five prime-time games? I would rather clean a baby’s soiled diaper with my tongue then watch the Browns play football.

My second thought was more of an informational tidbit then a thought; simply put, every football fan alive needs to know that the Patriots have the easiest first five weeks in the history of the NFL, how easy you ask? Imagine if Mike Tyson in his prime had five consecutive matches against Papa Smurf, Steve Urkel, Alf, Screech and a wiener dog. I mean I can only imagine how the conversation at NFL headquarters went when New England’s schedule was being put together:

Suit 1: Wow, the Patriots were really bad last year and they had it pretty rough, maybe we should put all of their easy games at the beginning of the season.

Suit 2: Brilliant, plus we owe coach Billachick a few favors since he is always so forthcoming with his injury reports and he never spies on other teams.

Suit 1: So it’s settled, we’ll give them the Chiefs at home in week one, then we’ll have them play the Jets in week two, which could be a good game if Chad Pennington doesn’t rupture an artery in week one and by good game I mean a 37 point win for New England.
Suit 2: This is great, in week three, let’s have the Dolphins go to New England that will be just like watching a dog fight between a pit bull and a poodle, only the poodle is already dead and the pit bull hasn’t been fed in eight months.

Suit 1: Then after the Dolphins game, it’s quite possible that the Patriots will need a break from those 41-point victories, so we’ll give them a week four bye.

Suit 2: Week four bye, great idea, let’s make week five a bye also, oh we can’t, each team only gets one bye, whatever, we’ll just plug the 49ers in that slot…

Anyway, back to the Bengals.

Things about the schedule that I like about the Cincinnati Bengals 2008 schedule:

1. Opening against the Ravens. I read this book last year and it has a happy ending. And not to put any undue pressure on the men in stripes, but if they lose this game, this season is going to be longer then FDR’s presidency.

2. The Bengals get Tennessee in week two, which is good because last season the Titans may have been the worst team to make the playoffs in any sport ever. Well, except for the Atlanta Hawks in the NBA this season, but that’s another story.

3. Nothing else.

Things about the schedule I don’t like about the Cincinnati Bengals 2008 Schedule:

1. The lack of prime time games. They get one game and it’s on a Thursday. What, Cincinnati vs. Dallas or Jacksonville or Indianapolis or the Giants wasn’t attractive. Is the NFL telling me that one of the Browns 37 prime time games couldn’t be against the Bengals, ridiculous.

2. Here is what else I don’t like, the whole schedule. Following the game against the terrible Titans, the Bengals schedule goes as follows: Super Bowl Champs, stupid Cleveland, a visit to the team that happened to have the best record in the NFC last year, a breather against the Jets, then consecutive home games against two playoff teams, then a much needed paid vacation to Houston which is followed by two Pennsylvania teams in five days, then we get the hopeless Ravens before we go to Indianapolis for the 15th time in 11 years (seriously, I think the Colts have been here once in the last decade), then we have another playoff team before traveling to overrated Cleveland (when I say Cleveland is overrated, I mean the team and the city), before the NFL scheduling Gods finally show us some mercy with a home finale against the Chiefs

3. Can we switch schedules with the Patriots?

The negative me says 5-11 tops, but after we trade Chad Johnson for two first round picks and P.F. Changs gift card, I may change may mind. Actually I know I will, because in July, I plan on picking the Bengals to win the division again, for the 17th straight time.

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