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The Bengals are exactly halfway through their 16 game schedule. Lucky for the Bengals and all of my readers I love to break things down when they’re only halfway over. As a matter of fact, this past week, I was babysitting my one-year-old nephew. Halfway through lunch, I called a time out and went over everything he was doing wrong (namely, not eating his green beans, throwing food on the floor) and praised him for everything he was doing right (specifically eating his corn dogs and not pooping his diaper). So I am going to do the same thing with the Bengals, unfortunately for us fans, the Bengals defense is playing like they all have poopy diapers. Anyway, here they are, the first ever HALF WAY Awards (I know, it sounds like I am giving trophies to alcoholics that are on Step 6 of the AA chart).
Best Quarterback on a Bad Team: Carson Palmer won this award unanimously, the runner up was Cleo Lemon because he’s the worst quarterback on the worst team. Worst Defense in the NFL: I’ll give you a hint, the worst defense in the NFL after 8 weeks isn’t in Cincinnati, but shockingly, it’s in Ohio. That’s right, the Cleveland Browns stole the Bengals time honored formula of explosive offense and useless defense and turned it into 5-3. Bob Bratkowski, are you taking notes, apparently it is possible to outscore every opponent. Best Running Back on the Bengals: This was a toss up, as in heads, Kenny Watson is better, tails and Rudi Johnson is worse.Most Embarrassing Loss to a Team not named the Patriots: At first glance, it would appear to be the Cleveland game, but then Cleveland turned out to be good. The Kansas City game looked bad, but losing by a touchdown to a team that’s currently in first place can’t be called embarrassing. So let’s go with the Bills game, the Bills came in with an offense that was about as threatening as a three-day-old kitten and somehow managed 33 points. That’s the definition of embarrassing. Most Impressive Team: The St. Louis Rams win this hands down. I’ve been giving this a lot of thought, what’s more difficult, going undefeated or not winning one game in a sport that prides itself on parity, definitely the latter. The 78’ Buccaneers should be popping champagne corks every time the last team gets its first win, the catch is that they can’t drink it. Alright, there are the awards, now it’s time for the rankings… NFC 1. Dallas Cowboys- Alright, I was the only expert in the country to pick the Cowboys AND Giants to make the playoffs (I may or may not be exaggerating). If Tony Romo throws less then 3 interceptions, the Cowboys pull it off…2. Green Bay Packers- Brett Favre has a child in college, if you’re reading this and you have a child in college and your not quarterbacking a one loss NFL franchise, you may want to re-evaluate your life. If the Pack can hold Mr. Peterson under 200 yards, then I like their chances, well, I like their chances anyway, Packers 27-24 over the Vikings. 3. New Orleans Saints- The past four weeks the Saints offense has been more deadly then children’s toys produced in China. The Saints would very much like to win this week and finally get over .500, standing in their way, the 2002 Bengals disguised as the St. Louis Rams. I’ll take the Saints 34-13. 4. Seattle Seahawks- If the Bengals were in the NFC West, they would be two games out of first place and making reservations for Super Bowl XLII, but they’re not in the west and the Seahawks are. On top of that, the Seahawks get to play teams like the 49ers twice a year, I’ll take Seattle 24-13 in a Monday Night snoozer. 5. Detroit Lions- I am officially sold on the Lions, I wasn’t sold on the internet until 2004, so it’s a big deal when I buy into something this quickly. I expect the Lions to march into Arizona on Sunday and put up 38 points, the Cardinals will respond with 24, which for you non-math majors out there is not enough to win. 6. New York Giants- Eli Manning is so close to the playoffs he can taste it, and from what I’ve heard, the playoffs taste kind of like black raspberry chip ice cream from Graeters. However, Mr. Romo will not throw 3 picks and the Cowboys will not lose, I’ll take Dallas in a shootout, 34-27. AFC1. New England Patriots- I am not sold on the Patriots, just because they win their games by an average of 23 points does not make them awesome… Forget everything I just wrote, this team is more unbeatable then a Kenyan running a marathon against eight-year-olds. The Pats are on a bye this week which means that this is the week to take down those trash talking fantasy owners who have Tom Brady, Randy Moss or anyone else on the New England offense. 2. Indianapolis Colts- Lets use a boxing analogy here; the Colts had New England on the ropes and then took one on the chin and lost by knockout. Peyton Manning must have mooned someone in the scheduling department, because things are not getting any easier this week as the Colts head to San Diego…3. Pittsburgh Steelers- All I have to say about Monday’s game is this, Santa Claus could have coached a team of 11 Christmas elves to a win over the Ravens. Lets see how Pittsburgh does against the fun n’ gun offense of the Cleveland Browns. Actually, I’ll tell you how they are going to do... 4. San Diego Chargers- The Chargers just surrendered an NFL record 296 yards to Adrian Peterson. Usually when I hear the words NFL and record, it’s followed by “this record was set against the Bengals.” Anyway, the Chargers don’t really need to win this week because even if they lose, there only one game out of the division at worse. For that reason alone, I’ll take the Colts 24-20. 5. Tennessee Titans- Can you imagine a team consisting of the Titans offense and the Bengals defense. It would threaten no one except for the Rams and Dolphins. I would love to pick Jacksonville in this game, but they got (Brazilian) waxed by the Saints last week. I’ll take the Titans 20-17. 6. Cleveland Browns- Honestly, the Bengals have a better shot at the playoffs then the Browns. I am merely humoring Browns fans for one week, as they are about to get slaughtered by the Steelers or maybe not slaughtered, I’ll take the Squealers 24-23. Celebrate Veterans Day instead of watching these games…Broncos at Chiefs- Any team that loses to the Lions 44-7 is hopeless in my book, I’ll take the Chiefs 20-16. Buffalo at Miami- If any scalpers are reading this, please let me know if my Dolphins-Bengals tickets are worth anything if Miami is 0-15 going into the game. If they’re going to be 0-15, they obviously have to lose this game, Bills 24-14. Eagles at Redskins- The Redskins scare me, but Jason Campbell doesn’t, which is the opposite of what defensive coordinators must say about the Bengals; “Carson Palmer scares me, but the Bengals don’t.” Anyway, I’ll take Washington in a tight one 24-21. Atlanta at Carolina- The Panthers are down to their 8th string quarterback, if they were playing anyone other then the Falcons, it would matter. Panthers 21-17. Bears at Raiders- The total combined score in this game is going to be 22. Lets say 13-9 the Raiders win.Bengals at Ravens- Every week I pick the Bengals to win and every week they lose. Every week I pick the Ravens to lose and they lose. So something is definitely going to have to give. As everyone in Cincinnati knows, Chris Henry is back this week, that’s worth 14 points alone. The Ravens offense may make our defense look good, if that’s possible. I’ll take Bengals 31-21. Last Week: 10-4Season: 63-32
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