The Bengals head to Buffalo this week in dire need of a win. I put all of my eggs in one basket last week and said that if the Bengals lost, the season was over, well, I lied. The season is not over, 11-5 is still possible. I am so confident that the Bengals are going to turn it around that I am going to fill out my playoff ticket form when I am through with this column.
If you’re interested in learning whose going to win this year’s Super Bowl, tune your television to CBS at approximately 4:15 Sunday, plan to sit down for three hours. After those three hours, the NFL can cancel the final eight weeks of the season and we can crown either the Patriots or Colts NFL champions. Better yet, we can crown them champions and then start every team at 0-0 for the final eight weeks. I think the Bengals would like that idea. Alright, enough of my tomfoolery, lets get to the rankings.

NFC

1. Dallas Cowboys- On Sunday night, the Cowboys will be playing in their fourth primetime game of the nine week old season. Someone in the NFL scheduling office must be a big Cowboys fan or maybe they just have a crush on Tony Romo. Either way, I’ll take Dallas over the Eagles 27-21.

2. Green Bay Packers- My grandpa used to throw around the term “Country mile,” I never really understood what it meant until I saw Brett Favre throw that touchdown pass in overtime. I think it went three country miles. I’ll take the Packers over the Chiefs in a tight one, 24-20.

3. Carolina Panthers- I can’t really punish the Panthers for getting walloped by the Colts, that’s like punishing a two-year-old for losing a street fight to a teenager. If offense was a beauty pageant, the Tennessee Titans would be the ugliest girl in the contest, so I am going to take the...

4. Seattle Seahawks- The Seattle defense better have spent the bye week watching film on their next opponent because this week they head to Cleveland to face the unstoppable force that is the Brown’s offense (I know, I never thought I would call the Browns offense an unstoppable force either). Browns 31-27 over Seattle.

5. Detroit Lions- Sorry Detroit fans, every time I rank the Lions, they lose the following Sunday. For that reason alone, I’m picking the Broncos, 28-24.

6. New York Giants- Eli Manning threw for less then 75 yards on Sunday, my grandma could throw for 75 yards against the Dolphins defense. The Giants have a bye this week, so I guess that gives Coach Tom Coughlin seven days to get in touch with my grandma’s agent.

AFC

1. Indianapolis Colts- Every time I watch the Colts, I think to myself “please win home field advantage so that the Patriots don’t win the Super Bowl.”

2. New England Patriots- I can hear what everyone is thinking “why are the Colts ranked number one if you’re picking them to lose,” that’s a good question, I am going to think about that one before I go to bed tonight. Patriots 38-27 over the Colts.

3. Pittsburgh Steelers- I don’t normally advocate violence, but if you see a Steelers fan this week, please throw something hard at them, then blame it on the nearest small child. Pittsburgh 17-14 over the Ravens in a game only a defensive guru will appreciate.

4. San Diego Chargers- Norv Turner has the easiest job in the world, coaching the Chargers involves no coaching at all. You show up at practice, you stand around and you wake up on time on game day, I’m sending my resume in when Turner gets canned following next season. That being said Turner will “Coach” them to a 34-21 win over the Vikings.

5. Jacksonville Jaguars- The Jaguars are like a mysterious cousin that lives in Canada. They do good things and no one seems to care or notice. However, I can’t take them against a suddenly flaming hot Saints team. 23-20 New Orleans.

6. Tennessee Titans- The Titans are like the mysterious cousin that has no job but always has money, but money apparently can’t buy an offense because the Titans are about as potent as a 73-year-old man. I’ll take Carolina 20-13 over the Titans.

Eat tofu pudding and watch Oprah reruns instead of these games…

Redskins at Jets- Unless Kellen Clemons does miracles I can’t take the Jets, 27-13 Washington.

Texans at Raiders- These cities have the Luxury of being almost the only ones in America that will not receive the Colts-Pats game, have fun with this barn burner guys, Houston 18-14.

49ers at Falcons- This is like trying to pick a winner in fight involving two people you don’t like. The 49ers offense is embarrassingly bad, so I’ll take the Falcons 13-10.

Cincinnati at Buffalo- If you planning on traveling to Buffalo for this week’s game, keep in mind that only two good things have ever come out of Buffalo, chicken wings and snow. So if you’re a vegetarian that likes warm weather, I suggest selling your tickets and canceling your non-refundable flight. On a football note, I look for Carson Palmer to treat the Bills defense like Chris Hanson treats child predators, Bengals 31-24 over the Bills.  

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