I only get excited three days a year; Columbus Day, Halloween and Bengals-Steelers Sundays. I can only thank Vince Lombardi that I will be celebrating two of those days on Sunday. For one minute, we’re going to forget that the Colts and Patriots are as unstoppable as California wildfires. We’re also going to not talk about how the Dolphins-Giants game in London is a worse idea then Trojan selling condoms with holes in them to vindictive ex-girlfriends.
This week’s rankings are going to completely focus on how badly the Bengals are going to mistreat Pittsburgh. If the Steelers are terrorists, then the Bengals are Jack Bauer. Let the torture ensue.

NFC

1. Dallas Cowboys- A little over ten years ago, the Cowboys vanquished the Steelers in a Super Bowl that still makes me smile. This means that if the Cowboys were playing this weekend, I would pick them to win by 54, sadly, they have a bye.

2. Green bay Packers- Halloween week takes the Packers to Denver for a Monday Night showdown against the Broncos. Unless Jay Cutler’s Brett Favre costume comes with Brett Favre’s arm, I can’t take the Broncos. Green Bay 27-24.

3. Carolina Panthers- Its official, Vinny Testaverde is starting for the second straight week, I bet the Colts defense is scared stiff…

4. Seattle Seahawks- Seattle is lucky they have a bye this week, because if there is one kind of team I hate, it’s the kind that beats the Bengals and loses to the Steelers.

5. New York Giants- The only thing worse then a loss is a loss to an 0-7 team. The only thing worse then a loss to an 0-7 team is an eight hour flight home to think about it. I hope Eli Manning dresses up like the Queen of England and then throws five touchdown passes. I’ll take the Giants 31-24 and the English can thank us later for showing them real football.

6. Detroit Lions- I made a deal with the Lions last week, I pick you to beat Tampa and you come through, I rank you. So here they are, a skin cell ahead of the Redskins. I hope Jon Kitna doesn’t see any black cats this week, because last time he played Chicago, the Lions needed 34 4th quarter points and a lot of luck to win. The Lions are too streaky to win two in a row, I’ll take da’ Bears 24-17.

AFC

1. Indianapolis Colts- I’m still bitter that the Colts lost to Pittsburgh in the 2005 AFC Divisional playoffs. However, I hold that against Mike Vanderjagt, not the whole team. Indianapolis is going to dispose of Carolina like a seven-year-old sucking down his Halloween treats. Colts 34-24 over the Panthers.

2. New England Patriots- I think I am going to be Tom Brady for Halloween and then I am going to hit on some girl dressed as a supermodel. Then after she slaps me, I will find a girl in a costume that more fits my personality, like a promiscuous Taco Bell employee. The Redskins may give the Patriots fits early, so let’s say the final score is 34-24 New England.

3. Pittsburgh Steelers- Cheering for the Steelers is like cheering for a sick relative to get sicker, yea you heard me Steelers fans…

4. San Diego Chargers- The Chargers have no right to be ranked, picking a team to win the AFC West is like handing out the award for world’s ugliest baby, and it’s just painful. That being said, the ugly babies will fashion a 27-17 victory over the Texans.

5. Jacksonville Jaguars- When I was 6-years-old, I was a Jaguar for Halloween, or maybe it was a leopard, it had spots, I’m still not sure what it was, the point is, I hated it. And for that reason alone I am going to pick the Jags to lose this weekend. Actually the other reason is that their playing Tampa and Tampa likes winning at home, a lot. 20-17 Bucs.

6. Tennessee Titans- The Titans, the Raiders, it’s like trying to pick the winner of the long jump in the wheel chair Olympics. I’ll take the Titans, but only because their at home and only because they should still be refreshed from their bye three weeks ago. Tennessee 23-17 over the silver and black attack.

See Saw IV, don’t watch these games (Bengals game does not apply),

Browns at Rams- The Rams are 0-7, 0-8 is knocking on the door. 31-24 Browns.

Eagles at Vikings- Minnesota looks good and I’m not talking about their purple and gold color scheme. Minnesota 31-21 over Philly.

Bills at Jets- Does anyone care about this game besides Chad Pennington’s parents (who in a twist of irony I sat next to this past Sunday). I’ll give the Jets a pity win, 20-13.

Saints at 49ers- I would love to pick the 49ers, but their offense is impotent as a 73-old-man. Saints 31-17.

Steelers at Bengals- If Carson “Please give me some pass protection” Palmer can get some time to throw, then the Bengals are going to vertically pass their way to within one game of the division lead. Offensively, the Bengals must make Mr. Kenneth Watson look like a younger, faster and more handsome Barry Sanders. On defense, Justin Smith and the front seven need to make sure Willie Parker spends the day wondering what his middle name is and why his head hurts so much.
If the Bengals can take the lead into the fourth and make Ben “I hope we have a fourth quarter lead so we can run the ball” Roethlisburger beat them, then it will be one happy Halloween for Bengals fans.
It comes down to this, the Bengals helmets are orange, pumpkins are orange; I can’t in good faith pick against Halloween, I’ll take Cincinnati 27-24

Last Week: 9-5
Season: 45-23

Growlzone.com The Best Cincinnati Bengals Website