If this were 2002 and Dick Lebeau was the Bengals head coach, I would write this season off faster then you can say Akili Smith. 1-4 is only a bad way to start the season if your final 11 games are all against the New England Patriots. However, minus division opponents, the remaining teams on the Bengals schedule have a cumulative record of 10-29 (That would be the Jets, Bills, Cardinals, Titans, Rams, 49ers and Dolphins to anyone that does not have a schedule in front of them). That’s like Ohio State finishing their season against the Sun Belt conference. Can the Bengals make the playoffs; did Julia Roberts marry Lyle Lovett, it’s a done deal people. That being said, the Bengals need to go 3-1 in their final 4 division games (Steelers twice, Ravens, Browns). For those of you that tore your meniscus jumping off the Bengals bandwagon, I hear the Browns are .500 this season, you can cheer for them. 
Anyway, let’s get to the rankings. Oh and I think that I am going to bet my car that the Patriots cover the spread this week.

NFC

1. Dallas Cowboys- After the beat down the Cowboys suffered this week, I think they might lose the NFC Championship on purpose if it means not playing the Patriots again. The Cowboys will have their hands full Sunday with the up and coming Vikings, I’ll take the ‘boys 27-21.

2. Green Bay Packers- Brett Favre finally plays like he’s 47 and the Packers still find a way to win. Good thing for the rest of the team that Brett has a week off to rest every part of his body that hurts, which may or may not be all of it.

3. Carolina Panthers- The only thing more impressive then Brett Favre, is Vinny Testaverde willing his 43-year-old carcass on to the field at University of Phoenix Stadium and embarrassing the Cardinals. Maybe Vinny and Brett can get together and use their AARP cards since they both have the weekend off.

4. Seattle Seahawks- Trust me, the Seahawks are not the fourth best team in the NFC, but because of the NFL’s inane way of seeding playoff teams, the dismal team that comes out of the NFC West is going to get the fourth seed. I would put the Cardinals here, but I can’t remember the last time Tim Rattay took a team to the playoffs. Lucky for the Seahawks they the have the horribly wretched Rams on Sunday, I’ll take Seattle 24-21.

5. New York Giants- Seriously, I could throw jump balls to Plaxico Burress, is Eli Manning’s job really that difficult. However, I expect the Giants to completely mistreat the 49ers on Sunday. 31-20 Giants.

6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers- Jeff Garcia has more lives then a new born kitten. He knows nine different ways to beat every team in NFC, as a matter of fact, I think he may have a cure for cancer hiding in his house somewhere. However, the Lions are cats and they have nine lives to, not to mention they don’t lose at home. Lions over Tampa 34-27.

AFC

1. Indianapolis Colts- In week 5, the Colts used their JV squad to overwhelm the Buccaneers. Then they had a bye week to heal, this week they’ll be taking their varsity squad to Jacksonville, which could be trouble for the Jags…

2. New England Patriots- Cheat, don’t cheat, father babies with models, don’t father babies with models, it doesn’t really seem to matter with this team, nothing flusters them. I bet they have water boys that could play linebacker for the Bengals. I feel really, really sorry for the Dolphins this weekend, I’ll be generous and say 45-17 Patriots.

3. Pittsburgh Steelers- I can’t drop Pittsburgh because their quarterback spent the bye week in Oxford, OH throwing back a few cold ones. However, I can predict them to lose to Denver, but if I do that, then my bookie will have my knees broken and honestly, I have become quite fond of my knees. I’ll take the Steelers 24-14 against a desperate Denver team, but I won’t lose any sleep if I get this pick wrong, actually, I’ll probably sleep better.

4. San Diego Chargers- The Jaguars should definitely be here, but as I explained above, someone from the AFC West has to make the playoffs and I am certainly not going to pick the Chiefs. However, just as the Chargers were getting hot, they now have a bye week to cool off.

5. Jacksonville Jaguars- If the Jaguars have any intentions of winning the AFC South, then they had better think seriously about winning this game. I really want to pick the Jaguars in the upset, but I hate upsets and the Jaguars, Colts 24-21.

6. Baltimore Ravens- Does anybody remember week one when the Bengals disfigured the Ravens. Now they’re 4-2 with a game against the Bills this weekend, seriously, will someone in the AFC North please lose besides the Bengals. Ravens 17-13 over the Bills.

Games that involve teams who probably will not be playing football come playoff time.

Titans at Texans- Wow, these teams both looked pathetic last week. The Texans looked less pathetic, so I’ll take them 27-17.

Falcons at Saints- Is this a joke, I’ll bet my first born on the Saints, 34-17.

Cardinals at Redskins- The Redskins have impressed me this season, Tim Rattay has not. Washington 24-17.

Chiefs at Raiders- Who would have thought this would be for first place in the West, if the Raiders win, they’re tied with the Chargers, if the Chiefs win, they’re all alone at the top. I’ll say Oakland 20-13 in the upset.

Bears at Eagles- Both teams were trendy picks to win their division this season, Donovan McNabb has a trendy wardrobe, so I’ll take the Eagles 20-17.

Jets at Bengals- I am praying to the ghost of Paul Brown that the Bengals don’t lose this weekend, because I really do not want to jump on the Detroit Lion bandwagon. The Jets season is like a dirty toilet in a Hollywood mansion, nobody can believe it and nobody wants to talk about it. The Bengals finally break out of their funk and take this one 34-21. 

Last Week: 9-4
Season: 36-18

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