Since most readers are clamoring to find out how I spent my bye weekend, I thought I would shed a little light…

Sunday
1:03 p.m. After a night of drinking beverages that are illegal to readers under 21 (for the sake of your long term health, never bet four shots of tequila on USC when they’re down one with 4th and 17 on their own 32 yard line and always bet on the Bearcats), I figure 1 o’clock is the perfect time to wake my self for 11 hours of unabated NFL action. I start by turning on the Browns-Patriots.

1:07 p.m. After watching for exactly 4 minutes, I decide that predicting the Browns over the Patriots was the worst decision I have ever made in my life, except for the time I offered to drink spoiled milk for a Big Mac that was also a bad decision. Time to turn on the Steelers and Seahawks.

2:37 p.m. Due to a lack of action in the Pittsburgh game, I am considering two things; call all of my friends and see if anyone owns season one of Knight Rider or go to the local Kroger and attempt to recruit linebackers for the Bengals.

4-ish p.m. No Knight Rider, no linebackers (which does not bode well for this Sunday). I am stuck watching the end of a Steelers game that is about as exciting as talking to a deaf person on the phone. The bitter taste of a Steeler victory is masked by the cotton candy flavor that my mouth gets when I watch highlights of a game winning field goal. Specifically Kris Brown of Houston and John Kasay of the Panthers.

7:30 p.m. I pray to Geraldo Rivera that San Francisco kicker Joe Nedney can knock down a 53 yard field goal to beat the Ravens. Either Geraldo ignored my prayers or he hates me, either way I’ll still watch his show on the Fox news Channel, and the Ravens pull out a 9-7 nail-biter.

Monday (Yes I watched the Packers-Bears game, but there is nothing funny about rolling up 300 plus yards in one half and then losing to a team that offensively has the firepower of Estonia. And to Packers rookie James “I fumbled twice because I bet on the Bears” Jones, please bench your self for the next six games and think about how many years point shaving will put you behind bars).

11:54 p.m. My brother and I are praying to Geraldo again, this time we’re praying that the Yankees game will end before the end of the Cowboys-Bills game. This time Geraldo answers me, Posada takes strike three looking, it’s time to turn it to a real sport.

11:57 p.m. As I chew on my Papa John’s pizza, I can’t help but think, “wow a rookie kicker, we need to page Dr. Heimlich because this kid is going to choke.” Then Mr. Folk decides to split the uprights. Ah-ha, Bills coach Dick Jauron called time-out, Folk can still choke. It turns out the only choking done in this game was by the Bills coaching staff. Packers receiver James Jones you’re off the hook, Bills coach Dick “I don’t want my job” Jauron, you’re on it.

Anyway, now that we know how exciting my weekends are, we can get to the power rankings.

NFC

1. Dallas Cowboys- Tony Romo threw five interceptions, which is Ryan Leaf-esque. Is there a letter above “A” in the alphabet because Romo is going to have to bring more then his “A” game if he hopes to beat the Patriots this week…

2. Green Bay Packers- I can’t in good faith drop the Packers because their third round pick out of that football factory at San Jose State (James Jones) decided to fumble it twice in five minutes. However, what I can do is pick them to lose this Sunday against Washington, but will I, you’ll have to read on to find out…

3. Washington Redskins- I thought Last Call with Carson Daly would win an Emmy before Jason Campbell would lead a team to a 3-1 start, apparently I was wrong. That being said lets take the Packers over the Redskins 24-23.

4. Seattle Seahawks- The only thing more inept then the Seahawks offense last Sunday is the Saints offense every Sunday. Lucky for Seattle, New Orleans is coming to town this week. I’ll take the Seahawks 24-17.

5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers- I’m not sure if it was just me, but I think Tampa was using the offensive playbook of the Rams and the defensive playbook of the Lions against the Colts. That is a recipe for disaster. And for all you parents out there, small children and sharp knives is also a recipe for disaster. The Titans head to Tamps this week…

6. Arizona Cardinals- Matt Leinart is out, whew, that sure makes Ken Whisenhunt’s job easy, now he doesn’t have to make excuses when he plays Kurt Warner. Battle of the back-ups in Arizona this Sunday; I’ll take Warner over David Carr (maybe Vinny Testaverde) and the Panthers 27-20.

AFC

1. Indianapolis Colts- The Colts were using their JV team and still pasted Tampa. I don’t know if that is good for the Colts or bad for Tampa, but it can’t be good news for the NFC. Luckily, the Colts have the week off to rest all 53 injured players on their roster.

2. New England Patriots- Ho-hum, another game of thirty plus points, another win against a team with a losing record (that’s right, New England has not beaten with a winning record). However, I don’t think the Cowboys stand a chance this weekend, this could get uglier then the Alamo. Patriots 31-24 over the Cowboys.

3. Pittsburgh Steelers- The only thing scarier then the Steeler defense right now is a drunk Joey Porter in Las Vegas. The Steelers have a bye week to decide how they are going to molest Denver, I feel sorry for the Broncos.

4. Jacksonville Jaguars- Beating the Chiefs is like stealing a social security check from a 90-year-old. The Jags have some real competition coming to town this week in the form of the Houston Texans. However, the Jags will mangle the Texans 27-17.

5. Tennessee Titans- Vince Young and his band of mercenaries always seem to come away with a W, it’s never pretty, but then again neither is child birth and some people seem to enjoy the fruits of that labor. I’ll take the Titans over Tampa 23-17.

6. Baltimore Ravens- In case you were in Outer Mongolia last week, the Raiders leap frogged their way to the top in the AFC West, that is not good news for fans of the AFC West, that would be like Baylor winning the Big 12. So I’m stuck with the Ravens, I think I’ll make the most of it. Ravens 17-10 over the Rams.

These games involve teams that are not good.

Vikings at Bears- Congratulations to the loser, you’re last place in the NFC North. Minnesota takes this one 21-14.
Dolphins at Browns- Cleo Lemon is starting this week for the Dolphins, that can’t be good for the Dolphins. Cleveland takes it 27-14.
Eagles at Jets- Didn’t the Jets make the playoffs last year? I’m gonna play the Chad Pennington card and go with the Eagles 31-20.
Raiders at Chargers- I never thought I would type the words Raiders and first place in the same sentence, but if the Raiders win, they will solidify first place in the division that ages like moldy bread. Chargers 34-28.
Giants at Atlanta- My whole fantasy team is made up of Falcons and Giants (that tells you how well I am doing) so picking a winner here is like picking what toe nail is sexiest. I’ll take the Giants 27-13.

Finally, let’s get down to business. The Bengals had their bye to get their act together. The Chiefs are starting Damon Huard. I’ll say it again, DAMON HUARD. That would be like the Bengals calling Paul Justin and asking him if he can start this week (If you don’t know who he is, I recommend wikipedia). The Bengals know what’s at stake, namely the rest of the season and the fate of capitalism in the middle east, I’ll take the Bengals 27-21.

Last Week: 9-5 (Only because I took stupid pills and picked against the Colts and Patriots)

Season: 27-14

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