Alright Cincinnati, we as a city have to change the way we cheer for our Bengals and luckily for you citizens, I have some suggestions. So here I go: if you’ve been watching the past three losses with your friends, tell them to choke on nacho dip and watch the next game with a stranger. If you have season tickets, for the love of Sam Wyche, give them away to anyone that can explain season two of Lost. If you’ve been wearing an orange jersey every Sunday, then wear a white one for the Chief’s game. And if you don’t own a white one, then paint your orange one white and watch the game on one foot. If you’ve been going to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch games, then boycott chicken wings until the Bengals win again. If you’ve been watching the games with your girlfriend, then immediately dump her and watch the next game while getting a pedicure with your now ex-girlfriend’s mother.

I know for a fact you cannot put these losses on the Bengals defense or Chad Johnson or Rudi Johnson’s gimpy body or the curse of Joe Montana, simply put, it’s the fans’ fault and we have a bye week to get our act together. As for me, my new game day celebration will include a Bengal tiger, $65 worth of taco bell and a gumball machine. And it is not a coincidence that the price of my Taco Bell is the same price as a Bengals ticket.  Now that I have sternly lectured Bengals fans everywhere, it’s only fair that I reward you with this week’s power rankings, and needless to say the Bengals don’t have a date for the dance.

NFC

1. Dallas Cowboys- Seriously, predicting Cowboys games is like predicting rain in Seattle. Tony Romo is hotter then Mark Cuban’s partner on Dancing with the Stars and Jerry Jones is happier then a Google stockholder (which could be an ironic statement since he might very well be a Google stockholder). The Cowboys choke the Bills in to submission this Monday, 31-13.

2. Green Bay Packers- If Brett Favre was a stock, I would invest everything I had, then I would take my gains and invest in Apple and because of Brett Favre, I would be rich. The Packers are playing the hapless Bears this Sunday night at Lambeau, honestly, Goldilocks wouldn’t be afraid of these Bears, the Pack will run away in the end, 27-13.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers- I picked Tampa to win last week and they did, I really like when a team with so many question marks makes me look good. The only thing prettier then the way Jeff Garcia is throwing the football right now is his red hair do, I wish I had red hair and played in the NFL. That being said, the Bucs do play the Colts this Sunday, that could be interesting…

4. Seattle Seahawks- I promised Matt Hasselbeck that I wouldn’t make any more jokes about Rogaine or the lack of growing hair on his head, so this week, I have nothing to say about the Seahawks because I prepared 13 balding jokes. However, they do play the Steelers…

5. Detroit Lions- The last time I included the Lions in the rankings, they celebrated by surrendering 56 points to an Eagles offense that looked about as pretty as a one-eyed, two-legged kitten. However, I can forgive and forget as long as they punish the Redskins like people in Singapore punish gum spitters. Lions 31-17.

6. Arizona Cardinals- Alright, so I am thinking of instigating a new rule, if you beat the Steelers, you get ranked or if you use two quarterbacks like Carrot head uses lame props, then you also get ranked, so the Cardinals are ranked. Plus Arizona has the Rams this week which makes my job picking a winner much easier. Cardinals 27-10 over the poor helpless, Rams.

AFC

1. Indianapolis Colts- The Colts almost lost this spot this week, and it wasn’t because of their whitewashing of the Broncos, it’s because everyone is hurt and when I say everyone, I mean Bob Sanders, Marvin Harrison and Joseph Addai. The stars really could not have aligned themselves any better for Tampa. So, I am going to take Tampa in the upset, 24-20.

2.  New England Patriots- I don’t want to talk about the Patriots; sure their quarterback has model looks, sure their star wide receiver does more drugs in a day then Colombia produces in a month and sure Bill Belichick is God’s gift to coaching, but we’ll see how smart they all look this week when they get upset by the Cleveland Browns…Wait, I just thought about what I just wrote, it’s insane, it’s ludicrous, it’s the Week 4 power rankings upset special. That’s right, Cleveland is either going to lose by 24 (38-14, the Patriots love scoring 38) or win this game, I say win this game. 24-21 Browns, I will go take my pills now. I

3. Tennessee Titans- The Steelers should probably be here, but I can’t reward a team for losing to a team that is coached by the coach they should have hired (If you didn’t catch that, Pittsburgh should have hired Ken Whisenhunt, instead the Cardinals got him and then subsequently, Mr. Whisenhunt and friends devised a game plan to beat former team). Anyway, let’s get back to the Titans, Vince Young and his gang of anonymous bandits will shoot down the Falcons this week 27-21.

4. Pittsburgh Steelers- When my English teacher defined irony to me in eighth grade, I didn’t get it, I mean I was only 13, but after watching Coach Whisenhunt take it to the Squealers, I think I finally get it. However, Pittsburgh will defeat Seattle this Sunday, 23-17 Steelers.

5. Jacksonville Jaguars- Jacksonville needs to do the Bengals a favor this week, beat up the Chiefs so bad that their own mothers won’t recognize them. Then the Bengals will pop into town the following week and take advantage of the prior week’s assault. Jags 21-13 over the Chiefs.

6. Denver Broncos- The Broncos are here by default, they’ve been outscored by 23 points this season and if I didn’t know any better, I would say that Rex Grossman is wearing a Jay Cutler Costume and quarterbacking Denver. The Chargers get their act together and take down Denver 20-17.

Since the Bengals will be home sleeping this Sunday, I thought it would be a good week to begin predicting every NFL game.

Panthers at Saints- The Saints are playing like their making play calls out of a coloring book. However, no Delhomme, means no win… Saints 24-13.
Jets at Giants- Is this a joke, because the Jets are (that wasn’t funny) 38-17 Giants.
Dolphins at Texans- Matt Schaub thinks dolphins are cute, 26-17 Texans.
Ravens at 49ers- Tough one, but San Fran’s offense looked like the blind leading the blind last week. I’ll take the Ravens 17-13.

Last week: 5-4
Season: 18-9

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