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Week 3 Power Rankings Bengals fans everywhere, please grab a handful of tissues before reading this, I have some sad news. For the first time in the history of the power rankings, the Bengals will not be ranked (please keep in mind that these rankings did not exist from 1991-2002, if they had, the Bengals would have been ranked third to last on a weekly basis, heck, these rankings did not exist until last season). Not ranking the Bengals is sad, as a matter of fact I have not written anything this sad since I wrote the eulogy for my dead goldfish Andre when I was eight-years-old. So here I go, with no will to live, I will attempt to put together this week’s rankings, remember, I rank six teams from each conference because the other twenty schmucks will be spending Martin Luther King day at home. Oh, and one request for Mr. Bill Belichick, video cameras in the Bengals bathroom stalls and post game showers are just as frowned upon as video cameras on the field… NFC 1. Dallas Cowboys- Remember last week when I said if Rex Grossman played one down then the Cowboys would win, will Rex played one down. Dallas has the hapless Rams this week, if you have money and you like to gamble, take the Cowboys. 38-17 Cowboys.
2. Green Bay Packers- I don’t know if Brett Favre found the fountain of youth, I don’t know if Brett Favre is taking Viagra, but I do know that Brett Favre is running around and flinging passes like he is 24-years-old. Packers 27-20 over the Vikings. 3. Carolina Panthers- Who would have thought that four weeks into the season, the best Sunday game would be Panthers-Bucs. The problem here is that Jake Delhomme is banged up like Nancy Kerrigan circa 1994. This is a cop out people, but here is the pick, if Delhomme plays (he’s questionable) then the Panthers lose by three 20-17. 4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers- Jeff Garcia is a walking playoff berth, where ever this guy goes, the post season follows, maybe the Bengals should think about trading for him, I mean do we really need Ryan Fitzpatrick? No Delhomme, Bucs 24-10. 5. San Francisco 49ers- The Niners beat who they are suppose to (Rams, Cardinals) and lose to who they’re suppose to (Steelers), they’re suppose to tie the Seahawks, I need one more minute to think about this one. 6. Seattle Seahawks- I hate the Seahawks, I hate Nate Burleson, I hate Shaun Alexander and I’m out of rogaine jokes thanks to Matt Hasselbeck, so I can’t in good faith pick the Seahawks, especially since I think the Niners will win the division. San Francisco 27-24 over Seattle.
AFC
1. Indianapolis Colts- Sure, the Patriots are good, but did they win the Super Bowl last year. The Colts are in first because Peyton Manning does not father babies out of wedlock and he’s in more commercials then Mr. Brady. Indy 30-24 over the Broncos. That’s right, I’m not ranking the Broncos, the AFC West is more pathetic then the Bengals defense. 2. New England Patriots- I don’t want to accuse anybody of cheating, but the Patriots have scored 38 points in all three games this season, coincidence or insidious plan devised by a championship hungry coach who will do anything to win, you tell me. Read on for the Pats-Bengals prediction. 3. Pittsburgh Steelers- I hate the Steelers, but I also hate microwave ovens and water beds and some people seem to like those things… In case you haven’t noticed, I enjoy comparing the Steelers to common household items that I have a complete disdain for. And seriously, do the Steelers play anyone; the Atlanta Falcons would be undefeated with the Steelers schedule. That being said, Steelers 31-24 over the Cardinals. 4. Tennessee Titans- Whenever I see Vince Young, I think of Randall Cunningham, except imagine if Cunningham could actually throw an accurate pass, so I guess what I am trying to say is that Randall Cunningham is a poor man’s Vince Young. The Titans have the week off, so I think I am going to study their roster so that I can name more then three players next time they play. 5. Houston Texans- Houston is Atlanta’s Super Bowl. The Falcons and Joey Harrington are going to bring their “A” game, but they’ll still manage to lose by 11. 24-13 Texans. 6. Baltimore/Jacksonville- Denver can’t be ranked because they lost to the Jaguars. The Ravens shouldn’t be here because they turned the ball over six times to a Bengals defense that is being coordinated by a fifth grader (which isn’t terrible I suppose, I never feel more stupid then when I watch that fifth grader show on Fox). And one of the Jaguars two wins is against Atlanta, that’s like beating a blind kid at Yahtzee (you can tell the blind kid he’s rolling one’s and two’s every time and he’ll believe you, but I wouldn’t know that from experience). Jags have a bye this week. The Ravens travel to Cleveland in a game that should be close, 24-20 Ravens. Remember last week, I said I was going to pick the Bengals to do the opposite of what I thought they were going to do. So I thought the Bengals would lose, so I picked them to win, which they didn’t do. So this week, I am going to pick them to lose and pray to Paris Hilton that I am wrong. New England 38-34. Picks:
Last Week: 5-4
Season: 13-5 Growlzone.com Cincinnati Bengals News |
