Week 2 Power Rankings

Yes, the Bengals lost a game following a Monday night showdown. Yes, O.J. Simpson got arrested and yes, a Tour De France champion was stripped of his title due to doping allegations. So here is what I ask you people, what really happened this week that we didn’t expect, NOTHING. In the sportsbook that I keep hidden in my bedroom, it was 4-1 odds the Browns would put up 51, 2-1 that a Tour De France title would be stripped and 2-3 (a gimme in the gambling world) that O.J. would be arrested. However, this sportsbook must be hidden at all times because a kid named Marty who claimed he had stolen it from 1955 gave it to me, and he was very stern when he told me not to tell anyone.

However, I digress, last week I was 8-1 with my picks (of course I missed on the Bengals). This tells me two things; first, I’m never wrong, secondly, when I am wrong it’s always the Bengals. So this week I am going to pick them to do the opposite of what I think they will do. Which is quite perplexing because I may tell myself to pick them to lose because then I would know I would have to pick them to win, damn, where is Freud when you need him. Anyway, let’s get to the rankings, six teams from the AFC and six teams from the NFC, why, because those are the only teams that will get a playoff check in their mailbox come January.

NFC

1. Dallas Cowboys- Interesting, as soon I decide to put Dallas number one, I notice that they play Chicago this Sunday night in the windy city. If Grossman plays one down, the Cowboys win. To see if I think Rex Grossman will play one down, you’ll have to read on.

2. San Francisco 49ers- Following my NFC West preview (where I placed the 49ers number one) I received text messages from friends that went something like this “The Rams, the Rams, the Rams, how can you put the Rams at three, the niners are a year away.” “John, I don’t know if you remember, but the Seahawks are good when they are not injured.” What do I say to that kind of talk, phooey, the Seahawks are shaky at best and the Rams haven’t shown a flash offensively since they had a stock clerk for a quarterback. However, I better slow down, because two wins is not a division title and the niners play Pittsburgh this weekend. 24-13 Steelers.

3. Detroit Lions-Last year, in an NFL preview that was read by my seven friends on myspace, I predicted that the Lions would win the NFC North. Little did I know that I may have been only a year off. Lions 27-21 over the hapless, pathetic, black quarterbacks are against the world Eagles.

4. Washington Redskins- The Redskins are 2-0. They have won their two games by a combined score of 36-25. How boring is that, that’s like watching a monkey watch paint dry. Some guy at Sports Illustrated says that in NFL football, the desperate team usually wins. The Redskins play the Giants this week and the Giants are more desperate then an ugly drunk at last call who is looking to get laid. Washington 20-17.

5. Green Bay Packers- Raise your hand if you thought the Packers would be 2-0. Alright, raise your hand if you thought the Browns would launch an air strike worthy of World War II on the Bengals. There are only three people in the country who can raise their hand, so the chances of them reading this are probably slim, but good job guys. Green Bay loses a tight one to the Chargers 31-27.

6. Chicago Bears- Here’s something to ponder, how good would the Bears be if their defense was bad. I’m thinking 1993 Bengals. Anyway, Rex Grossman will play a down, the Cowboys won’t punt to Devin Hester and the Cowboys will steal one on Sunday night in Chicago. 24-20 Cowboys.

AFC

1. Indianapolis Colts- I have one rule that I will always adhere to in the Power Rankings, if you’re the defending Super Bowl champions and you’re undefeated, then you’re number one. Let’s see, Colts vs. upstart Texans, I’ll take…

2. New England Patriots- Cheat, don’t cheat, does it really seem to matter? Not to mention, the Patriots don’t just beat people, they humiliate them, then they make fun of their moms, then they destroy them, it’s a vicious cycle. Patriots 38-14 over the Bills.

3. Pittsburgh Steelers- I hate the Steelers, but I also hate umbrellas and anti-lock brakes and those seem to do good for some people. I still have my fingers crossed that a unicycle accident could somehow negatively affect Steeler’s season. 24-13 over the 49ers.

4. Houston Texans- Dear Atlanta, we love Matt Schaub, we love being 2-0 and we love sold out stadiums, how is everything in the peach state, heard Joey Harrington is playing, uhm good luck with that, your friends in Houston, the Texans. Now for the game of the week, Colts vs. Texans. Houston is new to this success stuff; let’s say 31-23 Colts.

5. Denver Broncos- I can see the e-mails from Denver now, “How are the Broncos lower then the Texans, that’s like saying Britney Spears isn’t trashy.” When you beat two terrible teams by a combined four points; that’s like being 1-1 in my book. However, the Broncos will have a real loss following this Sunday, 21-17 Jacksonville.

6. Cincinnati Bengals- Sure there are a lot of candidates for this spot, but I don’t live in a lot of those cities and what kind of biased writer would I be if I didn’t favor the home team. Bengals fans, when Derek Anderson wins the league MVP, we won’t say we told everyone so… The only thing more useless then the Bengals defense is Matt Hassellbeck’s Rogaine prescription. Bengals 27-17 over the Seahawks.

Picks: Last week- 8-1, Season-  8-1

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