As the NFL season kicks off, everyone outside of Afghanistan is wondering the same thing; are the Bengals a playoff team? Come on, was Casablanca a good movie? In case you’ve never seen Casablanca or thought it was a bad movie, I am going to go ahead and break down the schedule:

Baltimore: The biggest opener in franchise history, if the Bengals choke this one away, I’m jumping on the Raider bandwagon. 20-17 Bengals. 1-0

At Cleveland: Let’s see, if I were starting an NFL team and my choice at quarterback was Charlie Frye or a blind Carson Palmer, well, lets just say I wouldn’t pick Charlie Frye. 31-14 Bengals. 2-0

At Seattle: I don’t like coffee, space needles or balding quarterbacks. 27-21 Bengals. 3-0

New England: My bookie tells me that his number one rule on betting is simple, always bet on black, his number two rule is don’t ever bet against the Patriots, so I won’t. 34-27 Patriots. 3-1

Bye Week: Note to self, schedule pedicure during bye week. Note to self, don’t tell readers about your pedicures anymore.

At Kansas City: If Robert Geathers can hit Larry Johnson half as hard as he hit Trent Green last season, then this game is in the bag. 31-10 Bengals. 4-1

New York Jets: Whatever happened to Wayne Chrebet, the Jets need him back. 28-24 Bengals if Chrebet plays, 28-17 if he doesn’t. 5-1

Pittsburgh: This pains my fingers to type, but we’re going to lose to a team that has a motorcycle accident survivor as its quarterback. 24-20 Steelers. 5-2

At Buffalo: Think about it, if we didn’t have Buffalo, we wouldn’t have Scott Norwood, and if we didn’t have Scott Norwood, we wouldn’t have Ace Ventura: Pet Detective and if we didn’t have Ace Ventura, Jim Carrey wouldn’t be famous, I don’t know where I’m going with this, but God bless Buffalo and Ray Finkle. 30-21 Bengals. 6-2

At Baltimore: The Bengals might be overlooking the Ravens because of their big showdown the following week against…Arizona, or not. 16-13 Bengals. 7-2

Arizona: The Bengals were lucky enough to score two bye weeks this season. 38-21 Bengals. 8-2

Tennessee: The Bengals are going to lose at least one game this season that they’re suppose to win, this one has that written all over it. 27-21 Tennessee. 8-3

At Pittsburgh- If you’re a Bengals fan and you plan on attending this Sunday night affair, I have very simple advice, make sure you’re caught up on your health insurance bill. Bengals 23-17. 9-3

St. Louis- St. Louis seems to popular darkhorse pick for the national pundits. But if you read my NFC West preview, you’ll see that I like St. Louis about as much as I liked Rocky V. 28-20 Bengals. 10-3

At San Francisco- West coast, Saturday night, rice-a-roni, trolley cars, this is a massacre waiting to happen. 31-24 San Francisco. 10-4

Cleveland: I thank my parents everyday for not letting me be born in Cleveland and so should you. 41-24 Bengals. 11-4

At Miami-This game is simple, if the Bengals need it, they’ll take it. If they already have their playoff seed clinched, then they’ll lose on purpose, which it looked like they did in the last three weeks of last season. The only thing more sad then the end of the 2006 season is a dying puppy.

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