Alright Bengals fans, here are my three Bengals related thoughts following week one, first and foremost; if I continue to be a Bengals fan, I’m going to be impotent, bald and homeless by week five. Secondly, my friend Mel came up to me Sunday morning before the game and said “John, stop worrying, there is no way the Bengals can lose, ESPN says that no team has ever won their opening game with a rookie head coach and a rookie quarterback starting at the same time, so Baltimore can’t win.” On a side note, Mel’s goal in life is to tell me a statistic that I’ve never heard before, even if it’s as stupid as the one above. Anyway, I called my bookie 30 seconds later, because if I’ve learned one thing in life, it’s that if ESPN, Vegas and Mel all think the Bengals are going to win, not only are they not going to win, but they’re going to lose so embarrassingly bad that I’ll have to take some sort of Advil, valium, heroin combination after the game.
1. Thanks to the Colts for losing this past Sunday, seriously, they’re only two people that knew they wouldn’t reach 11-0, me and Peyton Manning. 2. Thanks to Rex Grossman for sucking, the Bears may make the playoffs, but Super Bowl contenders they are not. 3. Thanks to the Broncos for blowing a 17 point lead against the Chargers, apparently the Bengals are still awesome.
4. Thanks to Big Ben for proving that motorcycle accident victims can still be somewhat successful in pressure situations. 5. From the San Diego Chargers, thanks to Eli Manning for being overrated and bad, without your sissy ass we would be minus Shawn Merriman, Nate Kaeding and we would definitely be sitting behind the hapless Raiders in the AFC West. 6. Thanks to the Buffalo Bills for beating the Texans this past weekend, may the Texans never win two in a row during my lifetime or anyone’s lifetime. 7. Thanks to the Bengals… trick question Bengals fans, when was the last time the Bengals had 2 winning seasons in a row...nope your wrong, that would be the 1981-82 seasons…it’s been 25 years, let’s not get greedy people. 8. Thanks to the 49ers for making the NFC West interesting, seriously, who else do Bengals fans want to see in the Super Bowl. 9. Thanks to Trent Green, you barely beat the Raiders, let’s see how you do the rest of the season, just go ahead and donate your playoff berth to the Bengals, that will make it more fun. 10. Thanks to Steve McNair, you forgot to tell the city of Baltimore that you are only good 12 games a season… 11. Finally, thanks to the Bengals and Steelers, as long as you guys keep winning, the value of my tickets keeps going up…and if my predictions are correct (and they always are), my tickets will be worth $2,300 each by December 29, which is more then O.J. made on the advance for his crazy “I did it” book.
