Week One NFL Power Rankings and Playoff Picks

Alright Bengals fans, here are my three Bengals related thoughts following week one, first and foremost; if I continue to be a Bengals fan, I’m going to be impotent, bald and homeless by week five. Secondly, my friend Mel came up to me Sunday morning before the game and said “John, stop worrying, there is no way the Bengals can lose, ESPN says that no team has ever won their opening game with a rookie head coach and a rookie quarterback starting at the same time, so Baltimore can’t win.” On a side note, Mel’s goal in life is to tell me a statistic that I’ve never heard before, even if it’s as stupid as the one above.  Anyway, I called my bookie 30 seconds later, because if I’ve learned one thing in life, it’s that if ESPN, Vegas and Mel all think the Bengals are going to win, not only are they not going to win, but they’re going to lose so embarrassingly bad that I’ll have to take some sort of Advil, valium, heroin combination after the game.

Lastly, I have to give props to my friend Justin who went to Baltimore for the game. This means that this young man paid good money for gas, probably some alcohol, most likely some food and possibly a hooker; only to watch the whole Bengal offense look like Colombian drug smugglers who had gotten cavity searched five minutes before the game. Around 2:00 p.m. (midway through the 2nd quarter), Justin sent me a text, “Hey Breech, do you think we’re going to throw a pass to a wide receiver today.” It was obviously a rhetorical question because the answer was no.

I guess it could be worse, we could be New England fans today… Oh wait, that would be better because we would have three Super Bowl titles in the last seven years. Anyway, let’s get to the rankings. If this is your first time reading, I’ll say this once and once only all season; 12 teams are ranked because that’s how many make the playoffs, six from each conference. For instance in the NFC rankings, every team in the NFC East could be better than the top team in the NFC West, but because every division must be represented, I would have to leave an NFC East team out. Oh and the worst division winner can be ranked no worse than 4th. This is kind of a weekly playoff seeding chart. Also, below are my preseason playoff predictions that never came out with my preview, so it will give you a chance to see how incredibly unintelligent I am. Oh and one more thing, game picks will follow the rankings. 

Growlzone.com NFC Power Rankings Week One:

1.Dallas Cowboys (1-0): Two things I’ve wanted to see for a long time happened in the Cowboys game last week; Tony Romo took a sucker shot to his chin and the Browns lost. If it wasn’t for the Cowboys bludgeoning of the Browns, I would still be talking to my life coach about Sunday’s Bengals game.  Dallas hosts Philly in a Monday night game this week, for anyone that was impressed by the Eagles last Sunday, I remind you, they played the Rams. Fred Flintstone, a Sasquatch and a one-legged Tom Brady could beat the Rams. I’ll take the Cowboys 27-21 over the Eagles.

2.New Orleans Saints (1-0): Nothing funny about the awesomeness of this team, I picked them to win the Super Bowl (check below) and they oblige me by racking up crazy yardage against a decent Tampa defense. The Redskins have no hope this week. Jason Campbell played worse than I thought he would (which is saying something because I expected nothing out of him) against the Giants. Saints 30-17 over the Skins.

3.Green Bay Packers (1-0): Big win for the Packers in week one, I bet GM Ted Thompson is wondering why he let Old Man Favre run the team for so long. Green Bay could start Akili Smith this week and they would probably still beat the Lions. I’ll take the Pack 24-14.

4.Arizona Cardinals (1-0): This is my problem with the NFC West, I have the Cardinals here because they’re the only West team that won, yet, they only beat the 49ers. That’s like rewarding Kobayashi for eating more hot dogs than an anorexic. Next up for Arizona, the mighty Flippers. I’ll say they lay the smack down on Miami 31-21.

5.Carolina Panther (1-0): You know God bet money on your team when your quarterback hits your backup tight end on the final play of the game, it was the handicap version of “the catch.” Seriouisly God, Bengals fans are going to stop going to church if you don’t show some mercy soon. Anyway, the Panthers do have a big week two match against the Bears…
6.Chicago Bears (1-0): Yes, I could have put Philly or the Giants here, but Philly beat a hopeless Rams squad and the Giants offense was unimpressive, plus, I want to look smart and keep this as close to my preseason predictions for as long as possible. The Bears made Peyton Manning look like Ryan Leaf on Sunday night. Is Chicago for real, I say they are, but they fall 17-13 to the Panthers.

Growlzone.com AFC Power Rankings Week One:

1.Pittsburgh Steelers (1-0): I hate the Steelers so much that I have removed the “S,” “T,” “E,” “L,” and “R” keys from my computer. Sure I’ve devalued it and sure it won’t sell for anything on e-bay  anymore, but I think I’ve made my point. This week Steelers play the Browns, that’s like picking the winner in a male beauty pageant between Michael Jackson and Marilyn Manson. I’ll take Michael Jackson, like the Steelers, he has more history…34-14.

2.Tennessee Titans (1-0): If you read my preview, then you know Vince Young is crazy. If you didn’t, just google “Vince Young ran away from home,” and you’ll get an interesting story about Vince Young running away from home THIS week. Anyway, I’m sure Mel has some stat about how no quarterback has ever ran away from home and still been victorious the following week…Wait, you say Kerry Collins is starting, I’ll need time to think about this pick…

3.New England Patriots (1-0): Let me quote my Patriots preview which you can find on this site, “The Patriots first five weeks (which includes a bye) are so easy, a frying pan could QB them to 3-1.” Simply put, if Matt Cassel just plays a cat’s hair better then a frying pan would, the Pats will be 4-0, plus, as an added bonus we’ll see how accurate my frying pan predictions are. Pats 21-17 over the Old Man Favre’s.

4.Denver Broncos (1-0): Broncos fans, you beat the Raiders, great, you’re better than the worst team in the league. Hurry, call your travel agent and start making plans for Super Bowl XLIII. Or let’s see if you can topple the Chargers this week…

5. Buffalo Bills (1-0): I underestimated the Bills. Ever since they lost those four Super Bowls in a row, I’ve just kind of forgotten they existed. How crazy was their game against the Seahawks Sunday, I’ll tell you how crazy; they had a punt return for a touchdown, their PUNTER threw a touchdown pass and their kicker recovered a fricking fumble. I bet Mel has a stat about how no team in NFL history has ever done those three things and lost. I hate to pick Buffalo to lose, but if Jacksonville is going to win the South division like I have insisted all summer, they have to start Sunday with a 20-17 win over the Bills.

6.San Diego Chargers (0-1): I have to give this final spot to San Diego, with no apologies to Ravens fans (you beat the Bengals, Joe Flacco is your QB) or Jets fans (you got lucky against the Dolphins, the Dolphins for heaven’s sake). Imagine if you and your wife were having a baby and the day before it was born, she said it was your neighbors and she also wanted a divorce, that’s how badly the Chargers loss probably stung them. They’re going to have a tough time righting the ship at Denver, but I say they do it. 34-27.