As only John Breech can do it!

Here it is everyone, the Growlzone.com 2008 NFL preview. It’s sure to be more exciting then Michael Phelps’s win in the 100m butterfly, more fun then a party involving Chris Henry, a college sorority and a keg of tequila and more messed up then Shawn Merriman’s knee (if that’s possible).

The bottom line is this; Growlzone.com is now three-years-old, which makes it older then every member of the Chinese gymnastics team (Damn it, the Olympics are over, that joke is not even timely any more and it’s barely funny, what am I even talking about, no more Olympic references, I promise).

If you’re a Cleveland Browns fan, you can just stop reading now because you’re going to wait until tomorrow for my AFC North prediction only to find out that I put you in third place, about one piece of cat litter ahead of Baltimore. And what the hell is wrong with me this season, I say no more Olympic references and then I link to this picture Anyway, let’s get to a couple of housekeeping items, a few things will be changing in this year’s predictions and subsequent weekly rankings. First and foremost, I will be linking to anything and everything that might make a lame joke funnier or make me look smarter. Secondly, I am going to make fun of Cleveland a lot more. If I hear the words Cleveland and playoff contender in the same sentence one more time before the 2008 season starts, I am going to choke myself to death with one of John Clayton’s neckties (Unless someone reading this knows him, I’ll probably have to buy it off e-bay). We’ll start off the Cleveland bashing with this blast from the past.

Alright, like ESPN did with most of their Brett Favre coverage this offseason, I just took an unnecessary amount of your time and did absolutely nothing with it, so without further adieu, lets get to the 2008 rankings and Bengals fans, I’ve added this clip, if that doesn’t get you adrenaline pumping, then you’re probably a Browns fan.

NFC West Predictions for 2008 Season

4. San Francisco 49ers: Imagine being Niners head coach Mike Nolan, he has the world’s worst quarterback controversy on his hands. The man has to choose his opening day starter between Alex Smith, J.T. O’Sullivan and Shaun Hill. That’s like having to choose a wife between Star Jones, Rosie O’Donnell and a chipmunk. If you can name the college that two of these three quarterbacks went to, I’ll buy you ice cream and I’ll even spot you Alex Smith (Utah). The addition of running back DeShaun Foster might have helped a little if they had just one good quarterback on their roster, but unfortunately they don’t. If I’m Nolan, I tell myself that it doesn’t matter who I start because I’ll be fired by week seven.

Best Case Scenario: 7-9 I drank the Niners kool-aid last season… it tasted like acid and gave me the runs, so I am staying far away from it this year. The Niners only pull off this record if the “J” in J.T. O’Sullivan’s name stands for Joe and the T stands for Montana.

Worst Case Scenario: 3-13 I would say 1-15, but they play the equally bad Rams and Cardinals twice a piece, if they can’t win at least two of those, then they should surrender a minimum of two of their Super Bowl titles.

3. St. Louis Rams: All right, I’ll be honest; I watched more episodes of Oprah then I did Rams games last season. The Rams have exactly one good player, his name: Steven Jackson. Sadly for the Rams, the oft-injured Jackson decided that this is the year he was going to stay healthy, as such, he decided to hold out instead of going to training camp. If this NFC West was won in reverse; meaning the team with the most losses got the playoff berth, I would give St. Louis a fighting chance to overtake San Francisco for “tops” in the division, sadly this is not the case and sadly the Rams second best player is Tory Holt, who just happens to be older then my dad (No offense dad).

Best Case Scenario: 8-8 If Beverly Hills 90210 can make a comeback, then so can Marc Bulger. If Bulger is as calm and cool as Luke Perry (he played Dylan), then the Rams have a fighting chance this season.

Worst Case Scenario: 4-12 If Steven Jackson’s hold out leaves him out of shape and Tory Holt’s adult diaper leaks, then this team is going to have problems and not the same problems that David Silver and Donna Martin had in season three of 90210 (Oh and no more 90210 references, they’re pretty lame). 

2. Arizona Cardinals: The whole hot tub, beer bong, underage girl, Matt Leinart incident didn’t really bother me (Especially because Leinart, like me, is in his mid-twenties and that is pretty much a dream weekend for any guy in their mid-twenties, well, actually it’s a dream weekend for any guy past puberty). Although if I was Cardinal owner Bill Bidwill and I was paying the kid millions of dollars a year… it might bother me a smidge. The point to this rant is that Coach Whisenhunt had two choices; play the party animal or play Mr. Turnover machine himself; Kurt Warner (He fumbles and throws interceptions like the presidential election depends on it). Luckily, all Warner has to do is throw the ball in the air because Larry Fitzgerald or Anquan Boldin will catch it.

Best Cast Scenario: 9-7 Boldin and Fitzgerald stay healthy, Warner doesn’t enter any of Leinart’s beer pong tournaments.

Worst Case Scenario: 5-11 I say the same thing with every NFC West team, they all play each other twice, which means, according to my formula, every team in this division will win at least three games.

1. Seattle Seahawks: Seattle is really here by default. They’ve got the most experience and they’re the only team that has done anything in this division in the past five years. However, for fun, let’s list all of the problems, wait I can’t, I don’t have 17 pages of space available. Let’s just say Mike Holmgren is a lame-duck coach, there’s no Shaun Alexander and they even let their kicker go. Blufton College probably has a deeper receiving corps then the Seahawks. Now, I know that I bashed them the whole time, but…  

Best Case Scenario: 10-6 They are in the NFC West, if they were in the AFC West or any other division in football, they wouldn’t be a playoff team. After five straight playoff appearances; this is Seattle’s last shot at glory, they had better take it.

Worst Case Scenario: 7-9 Week’s 13 and 14 find Seattle playing the Cowboys and Patriots, if the playoff berth isn’t wrapped up by then, they can kiss it good bye. But they’ll do it knowing they can spend the holidays at a Matt Leinart house playing flip cup since they’ll be in Arizona for the final week of the season.

AFC West Predictions for 2008 Season

4. Oakland Raiders: I would have loved to put the Chiefs here, but fortunately for Kansas City, the Raiders have all the ingredients in place to be this year’s Dolphins. Early in the offseason, coach Lane Kiffin tried to fire his defensive coordinator; owner Al Davis said “no,” then Davis turned around and made it look like he was going to fire Kiffin instead. They also gave a worthless defensive tackle (Tommy Kelly, you haven’t heard of him either?) $18.5 million in guaranteed money. The point is this, circle November 2 on you’re calendar because that’s when we’ll find out who the suckiest team in the league is this year, it should be a classic, Falcons vs. Raiders in Oakland.

Best Cast Scenario: 5-11 This whole season rides on their on the shoulders of running backs Darren McFadden and Justin Fargas. If the two them can do anything right (this is the Raider’s, so there’s no promises they will) then Oakland could surprise some people, that’s if there is anyone alive that is surprised by five wins.

Worst Case Scenario: 2-14 Remember that Falcons game I mentioned earlier, well I’m pretty sure that will be the only game Oakland goes into this season actually thinking that they’re the better then the other team on the field.

3. Kansas City Chiefs: All you need to know about the Chiefs is that Brodie Coyle is their starting quarterback. I’ve seen mop buckets with more talent then Coyle. If Kansas City can some how take down New England in week one, I’ll take back everything bad I’ve ever said about them.

Best Case Scenario: 7-9 Good running backs can go a long way in the NFL, so if Larry Johnson and company can win three of their first four games (Patriots, Falcons, Raiders, Broncos), I like them to surprise some people.

Worst Case Scenario: 3-13 Can you name the Chiefs kicker from last season, probably not because they went through three. With no consistency at the kicking position it’s kind of hard to win close games. And it’s kind of hard to win period with Coyle as your QB.

2. Denver Broncos: Jay Cutler, Jay Cutler, Jay Cutler. That is all I’ve heard about this team during the offseason, that it’s finally Jay Cutler’s year; did he have a secret blood transfusion with Tom Brady that I don’t know about, because I think Brodie Coyle is going to have a better year then Cutler. His security blanket Brandon Marshall won’t be playing in game one, but Denver’s playing the Raider’s so it won’t matter. Plus, the more I look at the Broncos schedule, the more I think they could be this year’s Titans (i.e. the worst team in the playoff field).

Best Case Scenario: 10-6 The Broncos have a 6-week stretch starting in November where they play the Dolphins, Browns, Falcons, Raiders, Jets and Chiefs; theoretically they could win all of those… if Cutler doesn’t blow it.

Worst Case Scenario: 6-10 Their starting running back is Selvin Young, he’s either going to be a fantasy steal or the Broncos are going 6-10, I’ll say he’s not a fantasy steal. 

NFC South Predictions for 2008 Season

4. Atlanta Falcons: For those of you that don’t know, I now live in Atlanta, which means I have to read about this train wreck of a football team daily. How disenchanted is the city with this team right now? Atlanta couldn’t sell-out Sunday’s home opener even though they discounted the single-game tickets by $10, although in their defense, they are playing the Lions. Matt Ryan has the potential to be good, but then again, so did Ryan Leaf.

Best Cast Scenario: 5-11 It really doesn’t matter what the Falcons do, everyone in Atlanta is watching the Georgia Bulldogs.

Worst Case Scenario: 2-14 Former Falcons coach (and my personal vote for most worthless coach ever) Bobby Petrino accidentally left his playbook in the coach’s office and new head guy Mike Smith accidentally uses it.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: This division is the most unpredictable in football; history says that someone who didn’t win it last year is going to win it this season (No champ has repeated since the NFL realigned in 2002), so I can confidently eliminate the Bucs. Oh, and when I say no South champ has repeated, I really mean that no defending champ has even made the playoffs the following season, once again, bye bye Bucs. Jeff Garica is old enough to be John McCain’s oldest son, their vaunted cover 2 scheme isn’t so vaunted anymore and their two best receivers are closer to 40 than 25 (In the NFL, this is a bad thing). I predict many injuries and a generally unhappy year for Tampa.

Best Case Scenario: 8-8 They did go 9-7 last season and when it comes to miracles, Jeff Garcia is in the same league as Mother Teresa.

Worst Case Scenario: 5-11 The Bucs lose to the Falcons in week two and Jon Gruden makes a face that scares young children all across the country.

2. Carolina Panthers: If the Panther’s are going to be good this year, three things have to happen; Jake Delhomme has to play like he cares, Steve Smith has to not beat the crap out of anymore teammates and John Fox has to forget about the fact that the guy who is going to replace him next year, Bill Cowher, lives a stones throw from the Panther’s home stadium. I say two of the three happen. Which two? That’s easy to answer because right now I’m wondering; which teammate is Steve Smith going to beat the hell out of next?

Best Case Scenario: 10-6 This team made the NFC championship game in 2005, then apparently Delhomme went on maternity leave because they’ve been a disappointment since. Is this the year we welcome back Mr. Delhomme?

Worst Case Scenario: 7-9 The Panthers are a trendy pick to win the division; the only problem is Drew Brees (please read further to understand).

1.New Orleans Saints: This team did about 16 things in the offseason that I really liked. In the draft, they stole USC defensive tackle Sedrick Ellis from the Bengals, then they pulled off the Jeremy Shockey coup, and I could keep going, but I have to stop so that I can mention the fact that Deuce McCallister is now healthy (he tore an ACL last season) which means the stick figure known as Reggie Bush won’t have to carry the load. 

Best Case Scenario: 12-4 Just so you know, Drew Brees’s mole bet $1,000 on the Saints to win it all and just so you know, Drew Brees’s mole has never bet on a losing team.

Worst Case Scenario: 6-10 I don’t know what to say, it’s the NFC South, I could predict tomorrow night’s powerball numbers before I could pick the winner of this division.

AFC South Predictions for 2008 Season

4. Tennessee Titans: All I can say about the Titans is that their quarterback apparently hangs out at bars where shirts aren’t worn and sweaty men congregate, I can hear you, you don’t believe me, well the proof is in the pudding: check out this picture of him. It appears to me that Vince Young and our underage girl loving friend Matt Leinart have a different definition of fun, which is OK if your coach can bench you in favor of Kurt Warner. Jeff Fisher doesn’t have that luxury.

Best Case Scenario: 8-8 If it turns out the picture was photoshopped and that’s really Vince’s head on R. Kelly’s body, then I’m once again pro-Young.

Worst Case Scenario: 6-10 If it turns out his shirt wasn’t the only thing he lost that night…

3. Houston Texans: Mario Williams is an unstoppable force of nature. Wide Receiver Andre Johnson, however, is not. He could probably find a way to injure himself eating a bowl of Fruit Loops. Oh and if they want to move up to third, the Texans are probably going to have to win more than the one division game they won last year.

Best Case Scenario- 9-7 I bet the Falcons are really hitting themselves in a painful place right now (my guess is it’s a place where the sun doesn’t shine, rise or set) for trading Matt Schaub. No one is going to pick the Texans to make the playoffs, but I think they’ll be closer than most think.

Worst Case Scenario: 6-10 On the other hand if the injury bug bites their heads off like it did last season, I expect nothing big out of this bunch.

2. Indianapolis Colts: This whole Peyton Manning ordeal really has me confused. I don’t even know what a bursa sac is, but I don’t think I would ever let a doctor touch mine. Marvin Harrison is getting old, Peyton won’t be game ready until the end of September, so based on that, here’s my shocking prediction, the Colts don’t win the division.

Best Case Scenario: 11-5 Don’t get me wrong, this is a playoff team, but everyone needs to be healthy and the loss of Jeff “Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday” Saturday doesn’t help.

Worst Case Scenario: 8-8 Have you ever seen Jim Sorgi play? If you’re a Colts fan, you better cross your fingers that you never have to.

1. Jacksonville Jaguars: Everybody has the Jags in the playoffs, I have them winning the division. There’s two simple reasons, there schedule is a joke and they’ll have the whole Sean Taylor-Redskins thing going for them (not to mention the aforementioned Manning issues). Richard Collier’s tragic injury will cost them an offensive tackle, but for some reason, injuries like this have a way of inspiring.

Best Case Scenario: 12-4 I am looking at Jacksonville’s schedule and the only teams that seem remotely threatening are Indianapolis and Pittsburgh. Although I will add that the Bengals are threatening…(As a Bengals fan, it would be beneath me to finish this joke.

Worst Case Scenario: 9-7 Unless David Garrard gets hit by a bus while leaving practice tomorrow, this team is going to the playoffs.

NFC East Predictions for 2008 Season

4. Philadelphia Eagles: All I’ve heard any football expert say over the last month is that Donovan McNabb is finally healthy. Oh yea experts, well tell me who the hell McNabb is going to throw the ball to; Kevin “I just had sports hernia surgery and will be out for the better part of two months” Curtis or Reggie “I get injured at least twice a game” Brown. Anyway, if Brian Westbrook doesn’t touch the ball 71 times a game, this team doesn’t have a prayer.

Best Case Scenario: 8-8 The NFC East is too hard, however, even though I was only kidding with my above statement about Westbrook, I think Philly coach Andy Reid might actually make the 71 touches happen.

Worst Case 6-10 I like the Eagles schedule a lot, but if McNabb or Westbrook does something as minor as break a toenail, this teams hopes for anything will go south faster then a deported Mexican.

3. Washington Redskins- I like this team at every position; they have Clinton Portis at running back, a smarter Jason Campbell at quarterback and a Antwaan Randle El, Santonio Moss combination at receiver. What I don’t like are new coaches, especially not in the NFC East. I have a feeling that by the end of the season, owner Daniel Snyder will be at the point where he would rather drown small animals in buckets of syrup then watch his team play.

Best Case Scenario: 9-7 This team made the playoffs last season, so I’ll give them some credit, on the other hand, they did give the Titans a run for worst playoff team ever.

Worst Case Scenario: 6-10 I won’t be shocked if the Redskins are in the cellar come week 17, I also won’t be shocked if Snyder is getting drunk in his wine cellar that same week.

2. New York Giants: As I always say; No Shockey, No Strahan, No Umenyaiora, no problem. Sure the Giants won’t have a pass rush this season, but it won’t matter because the offense is so effective, the defense will never be on the field. Eli, Plaxico and Brandon Jacobs will have to make sure to master the art of the seven minute scoring drive.

Best Case Scenario: 11-5 Someone steps up on defense, I’m thinking specifically defensive tackles Mathias Kiwanuka and Barry Cofield. And yes, I did just slap myself in the face for actually mentioning defensive tackles by name, no reputable writer would ever do that.

Worst Case Scenario: 7-9 Being the defending Super Bowl champs, people will be gunning for the Giants all season and if you throw in the fact that their pass rush is as potent as a 73-year-old man, things could get ugly early.

1.Dallas Cowboys: If you look up “terrible in the clutch” in the dictionary, Webster’s will send you a free Tony Romo fathead. I’m not even talking about the playoffs, I’m talking about the last three games of the last two seasons. Last year, they put up a whopping 25 points over the final three games, what’s that you say, they didn’t have to try in one of those…? Well if your OK sitting an offense that’s in a rut a week before a playoff game, then never apply to be a GM for my team. Now we can rewind to 2006, the Boys lose 3 of 4 to end the season… I’ll stop ranting, the point is this, the Cowboys aren’t going to the Super Bowl…. You’ll have to waste 10 more minutes of your Saturday to read my playoff picks but you can be assured it won’t include Dallas. Oh and the Cowboys travel to Arizona this season, you know the city that is only a short plane trip from Vegas… That is a Pacman Jones arrest waiting to happen.

Best Case Scenario: 12-4 It’s easy, it’s fun and it’s not really a problem… For a copy of my favorite Prince C.D. what did the prior sentence describe; the Cowboy’s 2008 schedule or David Duchovny’s addiction to sex.

Worst Case Scenario: 10-6 Unless Romo elopes with Jessica Simpson, or Carrie Underwood or starts hanging in the same half naked clubs as Vince Young, this team is going to the playoffs. Oh and Terrell Owens is always an attractive candidate for causing problems, but I don’t think he will.